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| Journalism
1 April 2004
We are all aware of the typically stereotyped journalists,
who wander the streets constantly annoying folk with their inane questioning,
and known for their amazing capacity to consume large quantities of alcohol...I
met one in the local, and, after several jars, he shared the recent scoops
he had allegedly uncovered.
ooooooOoooooo
Kirk Malhamby gets new Vicar
A new Vicar arrived today on an exchange visit from the U.S. of A.
He is to take over the small Parish of Kirk Malhamby.
In his maiden address, the Reverent William Homberger Jr. stated that
he wanted to get rid of the "Blue-Sky" thinking, go for the
low hanging fruit, and completely change this small, quiet den of iniquity,
into a hive of industry and pilgrimage. Everything is to be commercialised...I
want to start with the bats in the belfry first, use their guano and
sell it as first class fertilizer. Then we can open up a cafe and craft
centre in the church on the days it stands unused...I mean, that's currently
six days a week! We will be utilizing any stray sheep and cattle that
temporarily graze on church grounds for the kebab and beefburgers, and
of course there is the holy water for sale from the stream just outside.
William was at lengths to assure the congregation of 12 that his was
the way forward, and that every member of his flock would receive a
pocket personal digital assistant (PDA) so they can collect e-mail,
download biblical texts, and have at hand the bible (and koran; always
handy to know what the opposition are conceptualizing?).
"Thank God he's not from Boston" said a naked W.I. lady with
a stern expression..."we'd never have another tea party!"
Famous Homberger quotes:
"I don't know if its the shepherd in me or the crook?"
and ......"I don't talk cobblers, I just heel soles"
ooooooOoooooo
Roadkill Recipes
Not many people know this, but there are meals to be had from roadkill
residue. What a waste to just drive past something that is freshly run-by.
Begin by carving at the roadside, cutting the flattened (tenderised)
meat into strips. Gently prise from the tarmac, then remove any grit,
etc. on site. Always carry a a good hunting knife and a freezer bag
in the back of your 4 x 4 to ensure freshness.
Pictures witheld due to good taste. (Ed.)
-oOo-
Roadside Lamb Chops and Redcurrant Sauce
Prepare the sauce by melting the jelly in a small pan. Add the port and
bring to the boil. Boil for 5 mins. then reduce the heat, and keep warm
to serve with the lamb.
The chops should be cut from the centre of the loin across both of the
chops, so they look like a butterfly shape. Cook the lamb by brushing
them with oil and grilling for 8-10 mins. turning occasionally.
The chops should be well browned on the outside, and slightly pink inside.
Serve hot with the sauce.
ooooooOoooooo
Skiptonfoot
There are rumours afoot, that a large hairy beast has been seen lurking
in the undergrowth at dusk, in Skipton Woods... could we have our very
own Piltdown man? only time will tell, but this snap, taken by our cub
reporter seem to indicate that all those tales are true ? For a larger
image click the small thumbnail below.
Astounding !!!
ooooooOoooooo
Skipton Casino one step nearer.
Skipton Planning Department has been deluged with complaints
following their controversial decision to allow a huge Las Vegas type
casino in the Town Hall car park in Skipton. Rumours are rife.
A spokesperson for the casino company said
"Nothing is decided yet.....but this could prove an enormous asset
to the town and bring in much-needed revenue. The plastic flashing palm
trees and the 500' high replica of the Sphinx will be very tastefully
placed, and the main casino will be built in the much-loved style of a
1960s tower block.... an architectural feature which seems to be sadly
lacking in Skipton"
When we asked shoppers on Skipton High Street for their views, opinons
were divided. Mr Byhem Chepe, a partner in the property development company
Chepe & Dere, said
"It's progress.....if we want to keep up with Blackpool we have to
be prepared to break out of the envelope and bite the bullet, we need
to do a brain dump, get our ducks in a row with some joined up thinking,
and once we've done a little drilling down, we will have a helicopter
view to work with!"
However, his partner Mr Salem Dere was not so certain
"I think they are building this in totally the wrong place. We offered
to sell them a far better site right slap bang in front of Malham Cove,
but they lacked the foresight to see the potential there ", he said.
Mrs Delphinium Plate, a resident of Skipton all her life, said
"It's scandalous ! How can they propose to build a proper casino
in a tiny site like that? There isn't even room for a 100' fountain !
"
The journalist wishes to remain anonymous, under cover,
and fissed as a part.
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